she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
