woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
