I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
