dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
