I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
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I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
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You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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