Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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