I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
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