If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
