There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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