ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
