I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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