it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I met the friendliest cop last night
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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