when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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