I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
