She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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