I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
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HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
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How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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