I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
