i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
