You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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