I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
