Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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