I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
