please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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