I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
