i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
