and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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