You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
foreskin is a definite game changer
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
