apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
