every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
