You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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