i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
