New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
