I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
