my phone needs a breathalizer
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
