hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
