my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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