So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
