My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Boobs speak an international language.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Randomize
