he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
