It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
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