Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
