Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
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