Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
