I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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