I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
