your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
