I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
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