The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
