The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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