I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
