2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
