If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
it was like his penis was on wheels.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
jump out the window naked night went bad
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
