Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
