the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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