All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
