I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
