I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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