you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I love you. Go after that dick
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
