I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
